Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
The beer is more important than you right now.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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