well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I had to cum in my sink.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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