You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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