My girlfriend figured out who you are.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
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