The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
