ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
In other news, I just burned my penis
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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