Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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