he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
