dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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