I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
