Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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