Whoa Z and x make the same sound
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
NoShamevember. You game?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
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