Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
