if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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