meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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