If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
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Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
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Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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