i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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