My nipple is on Facebook.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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