I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
i just sent this text using only my big toe
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Randomize