Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
