when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
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