i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
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