How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
