New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
