sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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