You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
