even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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