We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
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Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
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I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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