Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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