dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
