Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
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You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
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Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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