just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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