Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
