Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
