Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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