Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
