and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
