im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
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