Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
