Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
