There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Just puked most of my soul out..
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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