Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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