Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
