he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
