I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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