I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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