Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
