I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Operation Purity has been aborted
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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