Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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