He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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