The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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