fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
