dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
