Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
