Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
