Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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